As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane. When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons.
"Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.
"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."
It's 5:30 a.m. and two amateur astronomers, binoculars around their necks and spotting scopes over their shoulders, are walking along a trail at a state park. They're returning to their car after several hours of stargazing as far as they could get from city lights. They are nearing the parking lot when one of them is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, his friend rips a stout, dead branch off a nearby tree, wedges it down through the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.
A reporter for an area newspaper, an avid birder, is out for an early morning jog and he arrives at the scene just after the attack. He says, "Wow, what happened? Hey, I'm a reporter for the Times. Can you give me a story?" He starts writing in his notebook, speaking out loud... "Birdwatcher Saves Friend from Vicious Animal." "But I'm not a birdwatcher," says the hero.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to offend you," says the reporter, and he starts again. "Birder Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack," he says, while jotting in his notebook. "I'm not a birder either," says the man.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Redneck Bastard Lister Kills Beloved Family Pet."
It seems the United States' FAA has a unique device for testing windshield strength on airplanes. It is a gun that fires a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at about the same speed the plane flies. The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the impact, it could survive a real collision with a bird during flight.
The British wanted to test the device on a new highspeed locomotive they are developing, so they borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded a chicken, and fired. The bird not only shattered the windshield, but also went through the engineer's chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab.
The stunned Brits asked the FAA to re-check the procedure to see if they had missed something. The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and came back with just one recommendation. "Thaw the bird out first."
At the court
Judge: Young man, it says here you shot and killed a California Condor. How do you plead?
Defendant: Guilty your honor.
Judge: GUILTY!? Don't you know how endangered these condors are? There are hardly any left at all.
Defendant: Yes sir, I know, but I had to feed my family, we're so poor.
Judge: That's no excuse. I fine you 30 days in jail. By the way, what does California Condor taste like?
Defendant: It's real good your honor, kinda like a cross between Bald Eagle and Whooping Crane! >
It was a huge mistake to take the woodpecker with us...
Two statisticians went duck hunting. A mallard flew overhead and one statistician fired just to the right of the bird. The other statistician fired just to the left of the bird.
They turned to each other in glee, and congratulated each other... "On average, he's dead!", they cried!
The mallard continued his migration.